I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
