his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
