I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
