So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
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There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
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While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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