I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
