I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
