Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
