Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
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He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
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She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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