: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
