the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
