I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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