he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
