Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she told me i tasted like america
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
