the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
