I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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