he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
