No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
