This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
