If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
