When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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