Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
