I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
