my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
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