Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dicks are not precious.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
