how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
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Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
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On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
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