sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
