Your mouth is God's brothel.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
