I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
