There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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