I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
im on a boat
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