fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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