I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
