I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
