I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Redeem this text for a blowjob
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
