I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My penis needs a shock collar
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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