Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
