I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
