oh god the rape fog is back!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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