ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
