She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
