I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
All the doctor said was why
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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