i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
