If i come over, it means nothing
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
