dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
