It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
