i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
