i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My day in three words: secret purse cake
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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