Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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