She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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