I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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