I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
