Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
