sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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