Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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