sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
