I queefed so loud it echoed.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
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i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
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It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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