I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
