So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
