He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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