we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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